I've thought about writing this for about 2 weeks. I've started it in my head over a dozen times but never put words to paper...or fingers to keyboard? Today is the day.

I have decided to take a leave of absence from teaching. Maybe you already knew this...maybe you didn't. Maybe you didn't even know I was a teacher. This year would have been the start to my 10th year.

Year 9 was rough. In November, I had a breakdown. There were a lot of contributing factors--things from the present and things from the past. There's no one definitive straw that broke the camel's back....just a lot of little things that went unnoticed and untended for too long.

As the beginning of the school year drew closer and closer, a sinking, dreadful feeling began to well up in me. I have learned to lean into my feelings and look at their root. What is making me feel this way? What is God saying in all this?

I leaned in and listened. I felt that the Lord was calling me to step out of the boat and on to the water. I wrestled with that for days and consulted a few trusted family members and friends.

Oswald Chambers says, in speaking about the call of God, "It is the threading of God's voice to us in some particular matter, and it is no use consulting anyone else about it. We have to keep that profound relationship between our souls and God." (My Utmost for His Highest, January 16)

Keeping that in mind, I kept my consulting to a minimum to truly lean in to hear the voice of God. This would be a step in my journey that relied solely on me. Not what anyone else thinks or what they would do.

It wasn't easy. There was a weight that lifted off of me as soon as I left my job, but getting to that point took determination and faith. I don't know what the future holds. I continue to battle thoughts of doubt, and anxiety tries to take control. But I know that this new season and journey with the Lord is just beginning. And that is exciting!

Your [insert challenge word] = your [insert alliterative positive word]

I have wrestled with this idea/notion for at least a year. I couldn't necessarily wrap my mind around why it never sat comfortably with me. I wanted to wrap up in this idea of my challenges becoming my successes and just relax, but I never could.

Your crisis reveals your capacity.

Your pain becomes your promise.

Your failures fuel your future. 

Your barriers become your breakthrough.

and on..and on..and on...

It's not that these phrases are necessarily wrong...but maybe they aren't fully right either. And if something isn't completely right, isn't it wrong? A half truth is still a lie.

I think what itches me the most is that they all focus on me (or us). They make me the center.

And what if my barriers aren't a breakthrough? What if they are the Lord saying, "Don't go this way"? What if I'm not supposed to pray them away, but instead take a different route?

And maybe it's not about a breakthrough but more about a breaking?

We know that our chief end is to be conformed into the image of Christ...ever going from Glory to Glory. We know that we have been made in His image and are dying to ourselves daily. We are laying down our will for the will of the Father, as Jesus modeled for us.

These phrases encourage us on our journeys, as we all need, but they should never be the thing we hold close. In some Christian circles, there is a tendency to proclaim cliche's as if they are gospel. To me this sort of pacifies us...soothes our flesh...just a little to know that it's all gonna be good. I believe that it unintentionally (or intentionally...😳) creates a weakness in us. It tells us that we can sit back and relax because the Lord's going to work it all out anyways. 

I guess I just don't buy that the Lord is going to fix every mess I get MYSELF into while I just sit back and watch. Yes, He works all things for our good. Yes, He gives us joy for mourning...beauty for ashes and so much more. But we don't automatically get good consequences for poor decision making....especially when we are to be lead of the Spirit and heed the warnings of the Lord. 

In Mark, Jesus knew full well that God could take the cup that was before Him. He knew that God could make alternate provisions for us. He says all things are possible for You. But regardless of how God is going to move, Jesus says, not my will, but Yours. 

God, You can take this crisis from me because all things are possible. You can flatten the mountain that is before me. But if You don't, I want Your will above my own. 

And I believe sometimes His will is for us to stand in the crisis, the failure, the barrier, etc. and be changed into His image....for us to allow Him to prune the gardens of our hearts...to remove the dead things and break the hard soil...in order for Him to plant His fruit in our lives. It's not easy. It certainly isn't a painless process. But it is worth it. So worth it.