I am currently preparing for a couple of upcoming talks. One on being fearfully and wonderfully made. One on singleness. When both were presented to me, I laughed...out loud. I am the least qualified to speak on both of these topics. Even though I've been single my whole life, but that is another post.

I began typing my jumbled thoughts on Fearfully and Wonderfully Made and wanted some background music. I clicked on Youtube and saw a recommended video of a Jason Upton worship set. It starts, and I start typing.

Then about 25ish minutes in, Jason starts singing "There's a God who sees." He sings for a bit and then starts talking. He starts in Genesis 27..about Jacob and his father who is going blind. But Jesus has come and revealed a Father who sees. He isn't going blind. He says, "[For] a lot of us God is big enough to raise dead people, but He's not big enough to deal with our running or our failure." 

Often we so easily believe God for big things. Yes! Amen! He can raise the dead! He can calm the storm! But we don't believe He can handle the small things. Our frustrations. Our failures. Our sin. 

This last week was brutal. I have been battling a sinus thing. Constant sniffles and sinus pressure. I have been on the verge of tears multiple times just from pain. The work week was stressful. So many things happening at once. Things finally came to a head on Thursday night when I was so battered by anxiety, stress, disappointment and frustration. I battled thoughts all night about what I do, how I do it and how I need to do it better. I woke up Friday feeling like my head was in a vice and just emotionally beat. 

My MO is to run, to avoid and pull away. I figure that if I can't do anything well someone else should just do it. Maybe I am not cut out to do these things. I can easily allow myself to spiral out of control and hide. And then to seek false encouragement from others. 

As I listened to this part of the worship set (repeatedly), I was overcome by the truth that He is a God who sees. He is a God who sees me. He sees the hurt, the failure, the pain. And He isn't scared by it. 

When I want to run and hide, I know that He is the there with Love that is strong...that won't let go. 

May we remember that He is not blind. He is not losing His sight. He sees us. He knows us. He loves us. 

“There’s a God who sees.

There’s a God who sees.

There’s a God who sees right where we are.

His love is strong, He won’t let go.

He holds us with His sacred heart.

And even when we’re far from home,

There’s a God who sees right where we are.”

-Jason Upton

Fresh Start. New Season.

Hidden behind the face of this blog are posts fully and partially written from years and seasons long forgotten.  I quickly browsed the titles and laughed at the rawness of the seasons in which they were written. 

Seasons that were overcome with fear, bitterness and disillusionment. Seasons that were painful and broken.

It's funny to think of those moments and how immensely huge they were in those moments but how small they seem today. 

That's the beautiful thing about time and perspective. What was once all consuming is now just a fleeting moment that is barely remembered.

Yet, many of those seasons we travel through leave us battered and scarred. We are holding on for our dear lives and wishing, hoping, craving restoration and rest. We long to be gathered up and taken as far as possible from those seasons. 

But does that ever really happen? Is it supposed to?

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. We made a bad choice. We made a good choice. Someone else made a bad/good choice for us. Wrong place at the wrong time. Right place at the right time. Whatever it may be.

The seasons that we walk through are meant for our growth, just as the natural seasons are for the growth of creation. 

Here I find myself at the beginning of a new season. A stretching of my faith....that maybe I have been asking for but never thought would come. 

This morning at church our guest speaker talked briefly about stretching and expanding our faith. He shared from the perspective of us talking out-loud at a thing to build our faith. But I would like to submit that while we can build up and expand our faith ourselves, sometimes it is God who does the expanding...even if we don't think it is possible. 

I feel that I am in a season where God is beginning to stretch my faith and push me just a little more than normal. He's beginning to open doors that I would have never imagined I'd get to walk through. Things that maybe I hoped would happen but would never have the courage to seek them out on my own. 

It is an exciting time and a fearfully reverent time....a realizing that I could never do these things alone and will need to fully rely on the wonderful, powerful God who calls things as though they aren't into being. 

So, here's to a fresh start....a new season.